</3 (velvet_hysteria) wrote,

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Here's your letter.


So…nineteen days since he broke up with me. Its stupid, I can’t even write his name. I even find it hard saying it in my head.
There is so much I want to say about how I feel about it, so much to say about things that have happened and that I’ve thought and dreamt about since my last post.
I feel…. nothing. Yet I feel every emotion I’ve ever felt at the same time. Love…hate…anger, self-loathing…I got to the point where I hated everyone including my closest friends and mum. I feel lost…blank, empty, worthless and most of all scared.
Every time the phone rings my heart skips a few beats…and for the first time I can say that…and actually know how it feels. It’s like when you were a kid; swimming…and you’re in the deep end of the pool. You just touched the bottom and there’s this thrill rushing through your body and you want to tell everyone what you just did. Then as you turn back to go back to the surface it gets hard to breath…and all you can do is hold your breath and kick your legs really really hard until you get to air. And you keep kicking and kicking and kicking but you don’t seem to get anywhere…and you can’t breath, it’s like this desperation to go tell your parents that you just touched the bottom of the pool turns into desperation to get out of the pool, and when you finally do…you feel like you don’t want to tell your mum and dad anymore. It’s just not important.
Every time I get home from school, I’m half expecting him to be sat on my bed…looking glum with guilt at what he threw away. Not me…us. Ready to beg me to have him back and explain what the hell was going through his mind?
I still check my phone every five minutes…its out of habit but also I have a tiny ounce of hope that what happened was just a bad nightmare and that I’d have a text starting with ‘Good morning baby=]]’ or ‘hehe ure so cute…’
Even when people sign into MSN and I see this little orange box pop up in the right corner of my eye, I look just to see if it’s him.
I hate it when he’s online…all I can see and feel is ‘why aren’t we talking about the weekend? And why can’t I mean what I did before? I feel pathetic writing all this down.
I hate it when he isn’t online. I just want to know where and who he’s with, is he laughing? Is he upset? Is he kissing and holding another girl and looking at her the same way that he did to me?
I never really realised how truly utterly unbelievably amazing what we had was until it ending. It’s so sad. And sometimes I think, I wish I hadn’t fallen asleep that time I wish I had kissed him that time I wish that the time I did this I’d made it last longer…although I guess it would only make things worse.
When I wake up he’s the first thing I think about… “ He’s asleep at the moment…’’
When I go to bed he’s the last thing I think about… “ I wonder if he’s thinking about me’’
Actually I wonder about everything…
How did he react when he went back to his room…with my stuff here and there…the first time he’s been alone since it happened?
When I sign into MSN is there anything telling him to talk to me like he used too?
Does he have ANY amount of regret at all?
Does he…see couples in the hallway, and miss the stupid little couple type things that we used to do?
When he sees something that may have a connection with me…like Spiderman or those from me you bears, what does he feel and how does he react to it?
I know how I react. I can’t look. I feel sick, I feel alone I feel more worthless than I ever have done before in my whole life.
I feel like…I have nothing left.
Sure I have friends and I hold them all so close to my heart, they really mean a lot to me. But in five weeks time…I have to start all over again. Go to a new school with new people and try and put on a new face. Perhaps pretend to be something I’m not just so that someone understands me.
I can’t imagine anyone understanding me now. Not a new person, they would have to know me and know my life and history with the friends and people I’ve spent the last few years with.
And…. before I didn’t mind leaving Hayesfield so much. Because I had one thing in my life that I thought would stay the same. Him…
I’ve never been someone that accepts change very easily especially when it’s not me that is making the change…
I mean, a whole new life. I can’t decide whether that’s a good or bad thing… it could go well but then again…me vs. a load of scene kids never really did work did it? They hate me.
I guess that doesn’t bother me though, I know that I still have my real friends and if they really are my real friends I can call them and see them when ever I need too.
I just…miss being apart of what for me felt so right…even though we had began to argue to be it only made my feelings stronger for him.
I know for a fact, right in the back of my mind I know he wants nothing to do with me, it isn’t breaking up with me that he regrets it’s meeting me in the first place and going out with me. Only my heart and body just don’t seem to accept it.
Every time I see his screen name … ‘I’m not worth any tears’ or maybe if he’s pissed off I can’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with me at all.. I wonder if he’s pissed off because he feels he’s made a mistake. I mean I KNOW I totally know that in his life, now, I’m not worth a dime I’m not… like I’m not even a line in the last chapter of his book. It’s like he’s forgotten already the time we spent together and the only memory he is left with is the money that he could of spent on himself.

I honestly don’t understand how a boy that seemed so in love with a girl, a boy that I thought wasn’t anywhere leaving me, could just…Stop. And forget in seconds what I consider to be my whole entire life…and what I considered to be the only thing that held me high when everything around me was falling.
In my eyes me and him could have been stood at the top of the twin towers when those planes crashed into them and at the end, after all the panic and fear and tears there would be me and him, still standing amongst the rubble in each others arms.
I thought we were infinite.

It’s stupid. I can’t even write his name. maybe that’s because he isn’t Nathan anymore.

I know I have to get on with my life but I can’t find a life to get on with.

“Fuck, I can’t let this kill me
Let go…
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I’m talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I’m dying in this silence
The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way?
Do you still feel the same way?’’

Im leaving this Public becuase I don't care who knows what about me. If its wrong for me to feel the way I do then fucking help me.
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